


2 AM_Steve

by ProgressivelyAggressiveCap



Series: Constructive Pillow Talk [1]
Category: Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Banter, Codependency, Comfort, Established Relationship, Fluff, Guilt, M/M, Nightmares, Sanctimonious Steve, one dick joke
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-14
Updated: 2019-03-14
Packaged: 2019-11-17 19:28:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,803
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18104942
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ProgressivelyAggressiveCap/pseuds/ProgressivelyAggressiveCap
Summary: Steve has a normal, run of the mill nightmare for a 100+ year old super solider. Bucky has some choice words for him.





	2 AM_Steve

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [[Podfic] Behind closed doors: collected oral histories of queer community in New York, 1930-1945. doi 10.1999/journal.amhistqstud.3255703](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10983972) by [quietnight](https://archiveofourown.org/users/quietnight/pseuds/quietnight). 



> I wrote these two companion pieces to channel my own anxieties, but with QuietNight in mind as a reader. Her podfics are amazing.

Steve opened his eyes. Frozen. Bucky beside him, fast asleep, curled into him with his left arm stretched across Steve’s torso. 

Steve’s nightmares weren’t new. He approached his dreams like any other mission. He knew it was possible to identify a dream in progress and he had gotten that far. He could work to change the dream, but no matter how hard he tried or what he changed, he still couldn’t save anyone. Ropes, grenades – people – were always slipping through his fingers. And as he tried to wake himself up, the drugged, heavy feeling kept pulling him back under. 

He finally pulls himself out, physically tenses for a moment and simply open his eyes. 

Bucky seems to be having a good night, with quiet, even breaths and laying almost completely still. Steve is thankful he hasn’t woken him. 

Steve used to thrash and scream in his sleep. Bucky would shake him awake, always breaking out into a gentle, comforting smile the moment Steve would finally open his eyes. A classic “hey there, buddy” escaping his lips. 

But Steve could always see the devastation through the smile. 

It was a smile Steve saw a lot. 

After Bucky broke free, Steve thought it was because of the years with Hydra. Bucky would hold back ever so slightly. His smile would have the tiniest bit of worry or linger a bit too long. But as everything else seemed to get better, this remained. Steve realized Bucky had been lying to him for a lot longer than he thought. It had started in the 30s. Bucky was putting on a brave face in order to be strong for Steve, to protect Steve. And now it was Steve’s turn to return the favor. 

But not without a pang of resentment. A pang of jealousy of Bucky’s good night, immediately followed by overwhelming guilt. 

Bucky endured 70 years of torture to get here and Steve is happy about it. Happy that Bucky is here with him despite how he got here. It’s only possible because the Howlies did not go back to look for Bucky’s body. And now Steve is resenting Bucky’s current ability to get a good night’s sleep. 

His inner turmoil is overwhelming. He slips out of bed. 

In the bathroom just off of their bedroom, Steve leans on the sink with both hands, looking down. 

_What the hell Steve?_

_How can you possibly think like that?_

He lifts his head, glaring at himself in the mirror. 

_What. The. Hell._

Steve had it easier than not just Bucky, but so many other people, too. It never seems like what he does every day can ever be enough to compensate or move things forward. 

He’ll go out for a run. 2 AM or not, it’s the only way he ever seems to be able to clear his mind. Clear the clutter and get a bit of peace. 

Before he moves off the sink he hears a murmur from Bucky. 

“Steve, get back in this bed.” Bucky’s voice is soft and gentle, but means business. 

Shuffling over, the nervous energy pours off Steve. He would never be able to hide it from Bucky anyway. 

“I’m going for a run,” Steve tells Bucky. 

“No, you’re not,” Bucky replies. “You’re going to get your ass back in bed and talk to me. Let me in on whatever fucked up shit you’ve got in your head so that I can help you.” 

Steve sits on his side of the bed. His back to Bucky who leans up and snakes his arm around to pull Steve close, pressing his chest against Steve’s back. 

Bucky dips his head into the crook of Steve’s neck and plants a soft kiss. 

“Whatever it is, it’s okay,” Bucky whispers. 

Steve brakes. He begins to sob. Silently shaking as Bucky holds him. Neither of them speak. 

As Steve’s sobs slow, Bucky kisses Steve on his back and guides him down on the bed. Bucky’s lays on his back as Steve drops his head onto Bucky’s chest. 

Bucky uses his metal fingers to stroke Steve’s hair and trace patterns on his head, sending tingles throughout Steve’s body. 

Bucky waits. Still, but awake. 

Bucky kisses the top of Steve’s head and whispers “It’s time to let me in. You’ve kept me out for too long. I see you struggle. You have always been the strongest person I know. You are a literal superhero. But you can’t do it alone. 

“The fact that you need me and you need the Avengers is good. We make each other stronger. We look to you for leadership, but you have to share the load. We’re a team for a reason. And you won’t be able to help anyone if you’re dead. You’ll be more effective – help more people – if you take care of yourself and let us help you.” 

“Bucky, you are the best leader I have ever known. You have endured more than anyone. You let me do things myself, let me learn, only stepping in when I really needed it. You knew when to let go and when to be in control. You didn’t fuck it up. So why am I?" 

Bucky stops stroking Steve's hair for a moment, glaring down at the blond locks. 

“Don’t do that. Its 80 years later. The world is a different place. We are different people. And we sure as hell don’t get to choose our hang-ups. Maybe I was a leader at one point. Maybe I was the person who carried you. But even back then, before the war, you were carrying me, too, and showing me the right thing to do. I just made sure you didn’t get killed in the process." 

Bucky keeps going, “Just because what I’ve been through may have been “worse” that the shit you’ve dealt with, it doesn’t mean you haven’t suffered. There isn’t a quota of suffering you have to fill before you’re allowed to talk to me about it. 

“The hard choices you’ve made and the loss you feel are just as real. You didn’t spend 70 years being tortured and frozen off and on? So what? You still had a shit-ton to deal with when you woke up. And you should talk about it. It’s obviously still with you. You and I have the whole shared life experience and all, but if you really can’t talk to me about it, talk to someone else. Talk to the widow, talk to Tony, talk to a freaking professional. 

“How many doctors do you think Tony has talked to over the years? There’s got to be one that will actually connect and empathize in a way that can help. Watching you try to take this on yourself is worse than anything you could say to me. I want you to talk to me, but I’d rather you go to someone else then have you suffer alone.” 

“I don’t deserve it,” Steve says. “I don’t deserve to be happy.” 

“You’re doing a bang up job at not being happy.” Then Bucky smirks, musing, “Although your dick seems to be happy to see me about four times a day..." 

Bucky lowers is voice, "You have saved the world hundreds of times. You saved me." 

“It was my fault that you fell. My fault you were there.” Steve replies. 

“Jesus Christ, Steve. That’s some ego. You’re not God. I love your sanctimonious bullshit but this is taking it too far. You did not draft me. Do you want to take it all the way back? Why I’m here? I survived the fall because my ass got drafted and then Zola did awful things to me. But I’m glad I’m here today. It would’ve sucked to die and not see this. 

“You give up control all the time. In the heat of the battle you don’t try to control what your team members are doing. You lead by example, show them the way while putting them in places where they will succeed. You see their strengths and weaknesses. You prepare, you react, and you adjust. You’re so good at it there. Do it here, too. Let things go.” 

Steve shakes his head slowly, burying it in Bucky's chest. “But it never seems to be enough. There is always someone else trying to hurt us. Or trying to hurt someone else. And I’m tired. I’m so tired.” Steve says. 

“Yea. Me too. But you can try another way. Look at the work Sam does with vets. All the people still dealing with poverty. Hell, GLBTQ rights. These are causes you can throw your weight around with. You can’t punch poverty in the face, but there’s still a ton you can do. 

“Figure out what you want to work on. It’s something I can’t do for you, but I’ll always be here. And you can always talk to me. Even if everything stays the same. Even if you keep putting on the suit and punching aliens in the sky. We can still talk shit. We can make action plans. Or we can talk giving it all up for a cabin in the woods. 

"You’ve done enough for 14 lifetimes. And you’re only 32 years old, no matter what the calendar says. If you’ve got more to give to the world, great. But if you want to stop, that’s okay too. 

“And if it’s anybody doesn’t deserve this it’s me.” Bucky says. 

Steve starts to protest. “But…” 

“Shit. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. We’ll deal with that later. A conversation for another night.” 

“I’m happy you’re here, Buck. But how can I be happy with how you got here?” 

“Now here’s where a professional might be able to give you some healthier advice. Because I just want to smack the shit out of you for that. 

“Steve, what if you weren’t here?” 

“What?” 

“What if I went through all that shit and didn’t get my happy ending with you. You, my light at the end of the tunnel…" Bucky scrubs his face with his free hand, reflecting on how lost he would be without this man. He groans, "uhhh, maybe that’s not actually a good thing. How did we ever function without each other?” 

“We didn’t, " Steve replies. 

Bucky chuckles. “They had to burn you out of my head.” 

“Co-dependency for 1,000, Alex.” Steve says. He darkens. “I wish I could kill them over and over and over.” 

“I know,” Bucky says as he kisses the top of Steve’s head. 

Bucky strokes Steve’s hair. 

They breathe together. 

Steve’s muscles loosen. 

Steve’s body relaxes. 

He lets go. 

He is finally able to sleep. 

Tomorrow will be another day. Maybe Steve will ask Tony for a recommendation or call one of Bucky’s docs. But tonight Steve can actually get back to sleep. He’ll take it.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm super bummed at Alex Trebek's pancreatic cancer diagnosis.
> 
> I imagine the boys were pretty perplexed initially by Jeopardy, but the Old Hollywood and WWII categories kept them watching, while they got great reading suggestions from the Literature category.


End file.
